To Write Love On Her Arms

Yeah. I know. I haven't blogged in awhile. You're all wondering where I went. Well...my life has been pretty uneventful lately...relatively. Certainly uneventful in any areas I'd want to blog about. Which is most of them. T_t;;

Yeah. I went to Texas. Then I came back. You don't want to know what happened next. :oops: No, really. I fail. You don't want to hear the part of the story where I fail. :P It would be kind of like having your favourite book series suddenly stop about halfway through, then have the author die, then have a new author come in, sum up what he think happened in the other half of the series, then end it in a long, twisted, endless, wordy, poorly-written scene where the main character just drops off the face of the planet in the middle of all the drama and all the loose ends and supposed lessons and subplots never come to a conclusion and are just left hanging as the main character slinks away. Really. It would. If I blogged it anyway. :P

But anyway, I was finally coerced by an impatient reader to update my blog (you know who you are... Hood. << ).

So... yeah. Of course, I've been thinking about blogging about TWLOHA or awhile /anyway/... :P It all works.

To Write Love On Her Arms... I suppose I'll start with what the site says. "To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery."

But while that may answer the initial question of "...what are you talking about?" it doesn't really express it fully. IMO. So, a little further down on the page, we come to the Vision. Rather than the summary.

"The vision is that we actually believe these things…

"You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters.

"We live in a difficult world, a broken world. My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time. We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck.

"We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss. Millions of people live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.

"You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption. We're seeing it happen. We're seeing lives change as people get the help they need. People sitting across from a counselor for the first time. People stepping into treatment. In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline. We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take. We want to say here that it's worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it's possible to change. ... "

Heh ^^;; Okay, I need to stop copying or I'm never going to get a word in edgewise around myself. Anyway... ...if that gives you some idea, assuming you didn't already know what Twloha was... If you want to read the rest of what they have to say, and the story of how it started: http://www.twloha.com/page.php?id=6

I've already taken up more space than I intended to without even /starting/ on the point I intended to make. But meh. This is usual for me. :P

So, I /found/ TWLOHA, the site, sometime last year. In December, I believe. That was a relatively busy month for me. I saw more people in that month than I had in several of the preceding months put together. :P I didn't have much time to look into things like that.

But I did read the story. And it made me cry. And back then (I know, six months ago is /so/ long ago, right? :P ) I really didn't cry much. So it was a big deal.

I started writing "love" on my wrists daily after that.

I wasn't entirely sure why, but if someone asked me, I'd direct them to the TWLOHA site, wondering if they'd find the answer to the question that I couldn't give them there. :oops:

Months went by, I went to Texas. It changed me in a lot of ways, and it taught me a lot of things. More even than I've had the time and circumstances to realise and process yet, I'm sure. Things of that epic proportion seem to have that effect on me...

But I have seriously started to babble. Oye, I'm really not all that eloquent, am I? T_t;; 'tis a gift I did /not/ inherit from /anyone/, I'm afraid... >.< Rawr.

...The cat just meowed loudly for /no reason/. He's going to wake everyone up. T_t;;

Er. Ahem.

So... one thing I learned a lot about was Love. Another was community, what it felt like to be surrounded by actual people...people who knew you...people who didn't...but people who accepted you anyway...whole /groups/ of people like that, who were all close to my age! Being around people like that on a constant basis for an extended period of time. Having even a few young people my age right at my fingertips /daily/ is something I don't think I've had in... /years/. Since I was in like 3rd grade. Certainly not since most of my, well, issues have all come up in recent years. It was amazing.

And then I came back, different than when I left, but pliable enough, not changed /enough/, so that I easily started slipping right back into old habits, patterns, most of them not so good for me or other people...

And I found TWLOHA again, sitting there in my bookmarks, waiting for me to rediscover what it was about.

Now, one thing that I've wanted to do most of my /life/ is work with people/help people/affect their lives. When I was younger, that desire came out in the "I wanna be an EMT when I grow up!" sort of thing. As I hit preteen years, it transferred into a more creative outlet, writing. Recently, though, as I've been having other people help /me/ out of all my issues, or even just tolerating me and promising to be there until I get out... I know that's what I want to do for other people. Help them. Anyone, really. But especially... people like me. Of course, that's where I hit a few blocks.

1. I've still got issues--how can I help /anyone/?

Well. T_t;; I sort of can't. Not in the way I want to. Not yet...but TWLOHA is doing exactly what I want to do...and if I can support them by spreading the word about them, then I'm at least doing a /little/ bit for now.

Not to mention, the more I read the posts, the more I immerse myself in this developing passion of mine, the more it helps /me/. It takes my mind off my situations, my little worries and issues, and yet it makes me feel like I do matter, that even a little bit that I can do makes a difference, and reading the words, the blog posts...fills me with hope, optimism, joy. Often to the point of making me cry. Instead of crying in a corner because I'm so overwhelmed in a negative way. It just...it all-around helps.

I know it sounds selfish to say it's helping me when I'm wanting to help /others/, but meh. Like I said, as I am, I can't help people the way I want. If TWLOHA is helping to change that...even better. :)

2. I live in /the middle of nowhere/. How am I supposed to do anything to help anyone, or even spread the word about this cause if I never /see/ anyone?

Well...if I never see anyone, the writing "love" on my wrist becomes solely a reminder for myself. It doesn't render it useless by far.

And, with the internet awesome in the way it is... :P I can help out anyway. Maybe not much, just one broken person in the middle of nowhere posting in the few circles she has any influence in to people she can only hope will at least take the time to read her posts if nothing else. But it's /something/. It makes me feel not quite as useless. It keeps me going. And hopefully it helps /someone/. Even one person.

3-- oh, blah. I don't feel like coming up with more arguments against myself. ^_^ So...yeah. To Write Love On Her Arms... is an amazing story, an amazing cause. IMO. Just seeing that there are people like that, there's a cause like that, there's a message like that, and more people than myself believe it. A whole bunch of people believe it, and they want to bring it to other people... it counteracts all the horrible lies out there, the ones that bring you down, make you feel worthless, hopeless, pointless.

Sometimes just hearing that /someone/ thinks your life matters, just reading those words, even if they weren't written recently and they weren't written with you in mind...they still help. It keeps me sane, it keeps me going. It makes me feel like there's hope for people, for me, there's a world out there. It might be full of a lot of bad things, but there are also some good people, there's also some love. God still exists. And twloha's doing /exactly/ what I want to do--helping people like me. Worse than me. Worse than I ever was. Helping them and turning their lives around.

If nothing else, helping twloha out even a little means that in some indirect way I'm sort of helping the people that they help. Even just an insignificant, too-tiny-to-measure amount. It means I'm part of something that helps people. And that's an amazing feeling, however tiny it is. ^_^

I hope I didn't contradict myself somewhere in there--sometimes I do that when I'm trying to find the right wording and FAIL epically. I KNOW I repeated myself. T_t;; This has sort of been nothing but a bunch of incoherent babble lumped together in a mishmash of paragraphs, but hopefully you get my point... and maybe, if you know me, get a bit of why I love Twloha so much. :oops:

Or maybe you just think I'm a sillyhead. Either way, that's about all I have to say on the matter until I get my thoughts together better. And hey--I finally posted, right? :P

Heh, if you want to hear much betterly-worded posts, to the point of being positively amazingly poetic, on similar topics of love and community that I'm trying to get across (and I believe she's talked about TWLOHA before), then I suggest you go read Raen's blog. :P You'll understand it better. Hers usually make me cry and in general just /feel/ a lot. Unlike mine which make me go "WHA...!?!?".

www.elraen-fragileontheinside.blogspot.com

But if you're interested in the site, www.twloha.com Go check their site out (don't they have a really pretty logo??)

They're also on twitter, if you feel like following them. ^_^


And they're on tour right now (pfft, no, I haven't got issues, what you talkin' bout?):



So that's my shameless "OMG I FOUND A NEW PASSION GO LOOK GO LOOK GO LOOKIE!" post...
:P


Safe journeying, and...what's Carrie Underwood doing on this Pandora station? T_t;;

-Any

Ren Faire

Okay, so, since I didn't have any pictures of me in it from Friday to post, I completely avoided the topic of the cloak. ^_^

So, Mrs. Burklin worked on it really hard for a few days, and finished it Friday night...and it's awesome. I'm overwhelmed. Cloaks mean a lot, I've never had one (obviously...I only wore one for the first time when I got here), and this is just...wow. I'm still going wow and I've had it for nearly a week by the time I'm writing this.

But anyway, Friday night, when I was so dizzy, one of the clearest things I remember apart from falling down a lot :6: was the cloak. I was seriously speechless when I saw it there hanging up, finished. Telpe helped me put it on and I was just :-O the whole time. I then proceeded to refuse to take it off until Flynn sent me to bed later.

So in the morning on Saturday, waking up and feeling much better, I was absolutely thrilled to have it for the Ren Faire, not only because it was awesomely awesome, but because it was also a chilly day and it was a very warm cloak. :)

So, everyone who was going (Raen, Mrs. Burklin, Flynn, Lina, and I) all got dressed up in our various outfits--

Raen, Lina, and Mrs. Burklin all had beautiful dresses that I don't even know what to call except "gorgeous" :P because I know nothing about garments of that sort. But they were quite pretty and very fitting for a ren faire. Everyone had cloaks, too, of course.

Lina:


Flynn was wearing some sort of tunic thing he has, plus his cloak, and, randomly, a lightsaber. :P

I had my cloak, but I kept my jeans and t-shirt. I commented that I was the only girl not wearing a skirt and Lina said that, well, I was a pirate, and they were not responsible for my actions. :P Telpe concocted a plan to make me /really/ a pirate and borrowed Lina's pirate hat for me. B-)



One of Lina's friends--Jennifer, I think--came over dressed in a similarly awesome dress, but I think she borrowed a cloak instead of having her own. -nod-

Staples and Joel, Flynn's friends, came over at about the same time. They were just wearing normal clothes. :P In case you were interested.

I at this point was practically bouncing around with anticipation. It wasn't long before we packed everything up, piled in the van, and headed out.

Flynn, Joel, and Staples were in the very back, Raen and I were in the next seat up, Lina was in front of us with her huge, awesome hoop skirt thing, and Mrs. Burklin and Jennifer (I'm going to feel terrible if this isn't her name) were in the front. The drive there wasn't long, and filled with random music and chatter.

I can't accurately give my first impression of the faire because I wasn't paying attention to it as we got there. I can say that the entire thing felt surreal. I'd never (in my memory anyway) been to a Ren Faire before, certainly not with friends that I was already amazed to be around, and definitely not in an amazing cloak. ^_^



We piled out of the van, headed in, and planned out what we were going to do. I don't think I ever knew the plan, because I didn't know the schedule or what the Ren Faire even had. I was mostly sticking with Raen, as everyone separated and we started wandering around the Faire's grounds.



She took me on a brief tour, talking about various places and things that had happened in Faires past. Then we decided to go down to the blacksmith's. Raen warned me to not let her down there or she'd never get away. I said I'd drag her away by her hair.

Flynn, Staples, and Joel accompanied us, and we hung out there. It was seriously awesome. Easily my favourite part of the Faire. :6: The blacksmith is not only amazing at what he does, but he's opinionated and hilarious and incredibly interesting to listen to. I could have spent the entire day down there easily. :6:

So, I obviously failed at dragging Raen away. :P

We made it over to the Professional Showoff's show just in time, though. That was quite hilarious.



His stuff was wet and his hands were numb with cold, but even so, he made it into an incredibly hilarious and entertaining show, as well as quite impressive. He called up Flynn from the audience at one point to juggle knives over. That was interesting... :P

To prevent this from being novel-sized, I'll just go over the highlights of the rest of the day.

We went to the jousting twice, that was really cool. I can see why they like that event so much. Jousting rocks. XD I liked Roland the best, possibly because of his name. :6:




We saw the Professional Showoff again, and this time his stuff wasn't as wet and he was warmer, so it went much better. I think Flynn got it taped that time.

We saw the nun show, which was cute. :P This is Lina and her friend on the stage afterward looking at one of the instruments they'd used:

We went in a few shops. Didn't really buy much...except at the armory. :6:

I got an AWESOMESAUCE knife, much thanks to Raen. :) It's seriously cool. I don't remember what it's called...k something... let me check. Khukri? Sounds right. ^_^ Note Happy Pirate Bob in my hat. :6:


Raen got a really cool sword to add to her collection--she hadn't bought one in a really long time. And a really pretty lock...ish...thing for photography purposes. :D




We all had Chai at the van. Real chai. Famous Texan chai. That stuff is amazing. O.o Seriously.
Me with my first cup:



Staples is the one with the beard. Joel is the one with the green thing around his neck.


Also, our idea of tailgaiting XD:

Flynn climbed a tree. :P
Awesome. XD

I got to hang out with Raen a lot. Which was nice. :) I like spending time with her and it's not something I've been able to do excessively.

We took a lot of pictures, too.

Lina's friend:


Flynn looking, as has been noted, somewhat unsure about being inbetween Staples and Joel... :6:


Me in my cloak (the back):


Flynn, with his tripod looking like a weapon:


Raen fascinated with the reflection in the car window:


Joel looking like a gangster. "Best bling ever":


Prettyness:


Random picture of Flynn:


Joel, Flynn, and I standing around a fire where it was nice and warm:


Flynn and Joel:


And then we all drove back to the Burklins' home,



and stopped for fast food for supper along the way.



Overall, I completely enjoyed the Ren Faire. I had a really awesome time. I loved it, loved hanging out with everyone, and loved the surreal feeling of, as Raen put it, being in another world.

Of course, after being on such a high all day, and then being in the car (cars always make me overly thoughtful) in the dark and relative quiet on the drive back...I started thinking about how much I would miss such fun and happy stuff like this, miss being around people, when I had to go home. So yeah.

But all in all it was quite an awesome day (for me).

I shall end this post here and get back on to update again soon...


Safe journeying, and SWEET, glad you could make it! -creepy music-

-Any

Parting shot:
Me attempting to look, like, all valiant or something. And failing. But XD whatever.

Random Catching Up

As much FUN as it would be to go through and put up a new and detailed post for every day I missed all at once, I'm pretty sure very few people, if anyone, would actually go and read them all at once, and I would most likely be driven entirely insane.

So! I'm going to post a catching-up post. XD

First, random picture from the film fest, Flynn and I:


Now. Last Tuesday was the Camps' and the last time I blogged. So...

Wednesday morning, Telpe and I took a long walk in the pouring rain. It was amazing. XD We both got back completely and entirely soaked and chilled, "bedraggled rats", but also pumped full of adrenaline and somewhat giggly. :6:



We got to talk a lot, it was really, really good, and about important stuff, and I love every chance I get to just have a one-on-one conversation with a dear friend.

Wednesday evening and Thursday, I'm pretty sure, just carried on as normal, doing normal things, we might have taken a walk somewhere on Thursday. And by "normal" I mean, carrying on in a normally amazing fashion. :)

-grin- Random picture of Telpe and I:


Friday was still slightly rainy and wet.


Telpe and I went out walking, with an umbrella this time, which we sort of abandoned when the rain mostly stopped. We didn't really get very wet at all this time. But we did talk a lot. ^_^ After awhile we saw Em, and headed off to intercept her, but I spotted Raen parting with her and taking off across the field, and so veered randomly off the path to intercept /her/ instead, leaving Telpe still heading after Em. :P Cue my shoes being drenched. But! I caught up with Raen and accompanied her to get her mail. And got to talk to her a bit. :)

We decided to find Em and Telpe back in Em's dorm, but not after a bit of puddle-jumping. :D

The rest of the time included sitting around in Em's dorm drinking coffee, Raen and I jumping in more puddles on our way to the free-ice-cream afternoon thing, all four of us eating ice cream, meeting a friend of theirs, Mel, saying hi to Flynn who was there too, then Telpe and I randomly joining Em and Mel to watch "Sinbad" while Raen headed home.

I really liked the movie. I'm no good at reviewing movies and my opinion is not to be trusted on movies anyway as I have NO taste :6: but I thought it was awesome and I had a good time. I wasn't really cold, sitting on the couch right next to Em, but once we got up I realised I was seriously cold and was starting to shiver. :P

It was getting closer to suppertime, so Telpe and I headed back after the movie. I was babbling insanely the entire time, and was still in that can't-stop-talking mode by the time we got back to the Burklins'. :oops:

The only other activity that evening was helping out with them cleaning a church. Apparently all the exercise, in the cold and wet, combined with extremely soaked feet the entire time, caffeine, sugar (cold sugar), more wet, then sitting still for two hours watching a movie, then walking back again in the cold after having been soaked a couple days earlier, and not having any water the entire time, did /not/ have a good effect on my system. :6:

While it made me incredibly happy XD it also meant that I was shivering and shaking like mad, very unable to stop, and rather dizzy and out of it the entire rest of the evening and night. I don't remember much of the cleaning, though only spots of that are blurry, or much of any of what happened afterwards. I remember being made to drink water when Raen and Telpe found out i was dizzy, I remember falling down a couple times, I remember Flynn catching and stopping me at least once when I was starting to tip over, and then sending me to bed. :oops: I can be very stubborn when I'm worn out, apparently. O.o

So, that was Friday. XD More detailed than I planned.

Well, the Ren Faire was the next day (Saturday), and I want to make a fairly detailed post for that, so I think I'll change my mind and end this here. I'll work on getting Saturday up soon. ^_^

And then the rest of them. :6:


Safe journeying, and HAHAHA duck,

-Any


Random picture of "cheesy goodness":

At the Camps'

I think that's how you spell their name, anyway, Camp. XD

Because of my really late night, I ended up oversleeping just enough to miss breakfast in favour of getting ready. I was going with Telpe to her Tuesday art class and then with her and Lucy back to their friends the Camps' house. I also missed out on saying good morning to anyone but Telpe. :oops:

I couldn't think of anything artsy to do, so I just mostly doodled the time away, which was incredibly fun, and some of the girls said they liked what I doodled, but meh.

It ended at around 11:30, I believe, so after meeting the Camps and piling into their van, we headed back to their house for a bit of lunch.

Then we hung out. I wasn't aware of exactly how long we were staying there, but I assumed just a couple hours. So we whittled away the afternoon doing awesome things. Playing Apples to Apples, which was hilarious. Taking a lovely long walk out around the area they live in, which is gorgeous, and taking pictures along the way. Chatting. Playing their Wii.

We turned on Dancing With The Stars and then DDR which are slightly similar but mostly different, both fun dancing games, and had at it, taking turns. It was amazing. XD I'd been fairly exhausted the whole time, and even though I was enjoying myself, it probably didn't look like it because I had zero energy. :oops: But the dancing got me totally woke up and ready to go.

By the time we'd finished with that, it was getting well into evening, and I finally figured out we weren't going back 'til about 9. O.o

Nothing wrong with that, since I was having fun, and they were fun girls, but it sort of surprised me. I hadn't expected to be spending an entire day away from the Burklins'. Towards the end I started to feel a bit lost, perhaps I had the entire time. In spite of feeling natural and normal here, I'm still trying to soak it all up so I don't forget what it's like, and part of me is sure it can't be real. But since my experiences thus far are also pretty solely based here at the Burklins' and around campus, it feels odd to leave.

However, I still had a lot of fun watching movies until we left. And then once we got back, I was totally jittery and hyper. Probably from not having supper or breakfast and only a bit of lunch that I mostly avoided, and being back after an entire day away to find that the Burklin house /did/ still exist. :P

I was forced by Telpe and Raen to eat /something/, and then I followed them outside to watch them brush up on some theatrical swordfighting and hand-to-hand combat, Spencer joined them after a bit, which all looked really awesome.

Afterwards, we came in and had tea, and I got to chat a bit with people and do other various catching-up online while Raen, Telpe, Lina, and I watched an episode of Firefly.

Sitting at my computer later, after everyone was asleep (except Flynn who was out working I believe), while I was attempting and failing to remember to update my blog :6:, I realised again just how much physical touch means to me. Like hugs, leaning against someone, someone leaning against me, shaking hands, a hand on my arm for a second, or even anything random like poking wars...even simply being in close proximity to a friend, talking to them, sitting near them, being in the same room as my friends just...means a lot.

So I was analysing what it means to me, and just why it means so much, what happens to me with it, what happens to me without it...and what's important enough to make me do without it.

Yes, I do a lot of random thinking about things like that.

I eventually went to bed around midnight. And thus ended Tuesday.


Safe journeying, and don't worry--be happy,

-Any

Shopping on Monday

Monday, the start of another week. I think it basically consisted of waiting around all morning, just hanging out. Telpe and I talked a lot, just sat around and chatted about stuff. I love being able to just sit around and talk to her like that. It still feels like such an uncommon experience for me. It was nice. :)

In the afternoon, Mrs. Burklin took me out shopping looking for cloak material. I was rather shocked speechless when I found out I was getting a cloak. Still am, actually. I mean, me? Actually getting a cloak? Made by Mrs. Burklin? Just for me?! Seriously???

:oops: Yeah. So I'm seriously excited about that... :6:

We found some good material at a good price and a cool colour, and got various things like a clasp and tassle. ^_^

She also took me to this one bookstore that also sells a bunch of other stuff, and has a little cafe place. Their chai is really good, and they have these cranberry cookies that are utterly spectacular. :6:

I really liked hearing some of Mrs. Burklin's stories of various places she's been and people she's met. :)

While we were driving back, I was thinking...it's been a whole week. An entire week that I've been here. The whole week I'd been trying to convince myself I was really here. Now it doesn't feel like, "How can I possibly be here?"...somewhere along the way it changed to, "When was I ever not?"

It feels so normal to be here, to be happy, to be among friends, to just live the daily life they live here. I'm still so overjoyed at the presence of all my friends...but it feels natural. In spite of me not being online very much at all, and in spite of my inherent awkwardness.

Which sort of scares me, in a way; if I'm feeling like this already...what's going to happen to me when it's time to leave?

But I refuse to contemplate it for the moment. Measuring things in goodbyes is not a good habit.

So. We got back and Linny was there, leaving very soon, though. So I got to say hi and hug her just briefly before she left. But I also got to hug Raen who'd been gone all day, and check in with her.

I don't really remember what happened Monday night besides that, except for the fact that I didn't get to bed until really late. :oops:

I'll update Tuesday in a bit. :P


Safe journeying, and Let's Get DANGEROUS,

-Any

Random Pics from last Mon and Tues

Haha, so Blogger decided to put the pics up backwards, so we start with Tuesday. When we went to the daffodil place:







Linny and I. :) ((in case you don't know what I look like, I'm the one on the right. Linny's the pretty one on the left in the blue shirt. :P ))

From left to right...Lucy, Jasper, Spencer, Linny, me, Raen

This was Monday. At Wal-Mart. in cloaks. B-) Lina, Flynn, and I. Raen was taking the pictures. :P

And...this may or may not have been Monday, but it was a gorgeous sunset picture that I somehow got off Raen's pictures, so, here. :P

I'll update an actual update for /this/ monday soon here. ^_^